Monday, February 8, 2016

A Blink of an Eye

I'll have to change some things around here because let's face it -- the title is no longer relevant -- but I have to start writing again.

It's been five months since my 30th birthday but it feels like yesterday because that's what happens when you get old. My parents threw me an epic bash and the room was packed with nearly everyone I've ever loved. To be celebrated in that way was the biggest gift I've ever received.

When I was in my early 20s, first starting out in the real world, I thought I'd have it all figured out by the time I hit the big 3-0. But with age, I have learned the harsh truth -- I won't ever figure it out. But that's not the point.

The point is to live through the hard days, forgive yourself for your mistakes, motivate yourself to be the best person you can be. My biggest hope for myself this year is that I find the strength to stop blaming myself for the mistakes I've made, to stop making choices that hurt me or hurt others and to make sure I laugh every day. And find a freaking husband. For God's sake.

My life today is not what I imagined it would be when I was still tripping through my 20s, but I am grateful for the love I've been able to give and the people who have allowed me to give it to them. Through all the ups and downs, the main players still remain, and for that, I am eternally grateful.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Beginning again.

Oh, anxiety.  Oh, change.  It is why I started this blog in the first place--because the 20s are a roller coaster.  A time when you are just starting to figure out who you are and as soon as you think you have got it, BAM!  More change.  After my first, real, heart-thumping relationship ended five years ago, I found peace in a quote I read somewhere on the Internet.  "You make your plans, and then a great wind comes along, and you begin again."  I forget who said it, but it was probably a 20-something woman and she was probably very smart.

Some of my friends are really starting to get it together.  They've been at the same jobs for a while, many are in long-term relationships, and Amanda has even given birth to a CHILD.  An OFFSPRING.  And while I'm glad I turned and flipped my life upside down by going to graduate school, it has really thrown me for a loop professionally and emotionally.  Many of my superiors at work are my age or YOUNGER and they are so poised and knowledgeable about what they do.  I know this will come in time and I am so relieved to finally have landed on the path that is right for me.

I will tell you, at times, it didn't look like it was going to happen.  There was illness--strep throat, ear pain, and oversized corneas.  There were bounced checks, overdue bills, and frequent calls from Ms. Sallie Mae HERSELF (not really).  There was boy trouble, intern trouble, traffic jams, and broken catalytic converters.  And there was NO HEALTH INSURANCE.  The night of my birthday celebration, I literally fell into a ditch (while screaming at a boy who caused some of the previously mentioned trouble) and completely and totally crushed my poor little ankle.

If I had known me during this time, I would have suggested giving up on life.  But the support I received from my family and friends was actually unbelievable.  All my love and thanks to EVERYONE (you know who you are), but special shout outs to: Marena, who consistently offered me "reduced rates" at happy hours, Lisa, my very own ER nurse (thank GOD), Casey, who had to learn too much about me too quickly and liked me anyway, Liz, who is really the most understanding, tolerant best friend in the universe, and most of all, my parents who "weren't going to give me a penny because I was an idiot for quitting my job," but recanted and offered me the emotional and financial support I needed to get where I am.

Thank you.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Another Year: The Best Parts of 26

Good morning, everyone, and happy birthday to me!  I want to share a video I created to celebrate all of the people who have been by my side this year and who made 26 so fantastic.  I'm such a lucky girl.


Monday, August 27, 2012

Being a Girl is a Pain in the Abdomen

This summer has been a bit of a disaster and although most days I'm the absolute BEST at keeping it together, sometimes the stupidest things throw my mind into an emotional tizzy.  For example, I was able to unexpectedly pay a quick visit to Lynda, Brooks, and the girls this weekend and when I saw how big Gracie has gotten, I hugged her, wouldn't let go, and continued to cry a little into her hair.  (Hey, every kid needs a crazy aunt.)

And then, you know, there's the whole NOT HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB THING.  My health insurance is about to run out (go ahead--try to fine me, Massachusetts) and a person like me just cannot live without health insurance.  And I'm not talking about the event of a "God forbid disaster."  I fall on my face at least once a month and let's not forget to mention my double inflamed corneas.  I am a health insurance company's walking (knock on wood) nightmare.

Today, at work, I felt like I might throw up.  And not because I'm constantly crossing my fingers that I will be hired full-time.  No, I literally, truly thought I might hurl.  And so while I sobbed to my mother on my lunch break about the trials and tribulations of being Emily Lospennato, I realized the true problem.  My Spanx were cutting off my circulation.  Don't worry.  I definitely tore off my Spanx in the middle of a public parking lot.  These are the sort of ridiculous problems that men will never, ever encounter.

In other news, the summer is drawing to a close.  I spent the weekend in Maine with my friends from graduate school.  Here is a photo of me bonding with nature:

See!  I love nature!

(Not pictured: Blackberry, LV purse, and Kindle Fire tablet)



Friday, July 6, 2012

Life in MY Head

I really feel like it is important to document this time in my life as I am HOPING that in a few months, I'll be able to look back at these words and exhale.  Seriously, I think I have been holding my breath since the moment I got my diploma. 

I didn't think this would be easy, but I also didn't think it would be this hard.  Though my year at BU was amazing, I've been kicking myself lately for quitting my job last summer.  I was miserable, yes, but there was also a huge chunk of money waiting in my bank account the first and fifteenth day of every month.  Now when I look at my bank statement, I cross my fingers and toes hoping that when the numbers pop up on the screen they will be black, not red.  And let's be real.  Sometimes they are red.

There is a scene in Eat, Pray, Love when the monk or rabbi or spiritual adviser or whatever the hell he is tells Liz that she will have to lose everything in order to get it all back.  I tried to think about that last night when MY Liz handed me a bottle of her shaving cream since we both agreed that it was definitely time to shave my legs and no, I shouldn't break my last twenty dollar bill on something like shaving cream.  If that's not a best friend, I don't know what is.

In truth, I wish I could be catapulted a short jaunt into the future to a time where I have figured at least some of this out.  But that's not the way life works.  That is one thing I've learned as I rapidly approach my "late 20s."  Problems don't go away--they just become different problems.  You think everything will be okay if you lose 15 pounds, but then your pants don't fit and you can't afford new ones and your head explodes. 

My cure to all of this is actually quite simple--don't live in your head.  By this, I mean don't spend hours thinking about and reliving things you cannot change.  This is hard for a person like me to consistently accomplish, but I know it works.  I was trying to explain this to Liz last night, who is going through her own nutso times, and I told her to think about something that makes her feel truly happy and relaxed.

"For instance, I think about Gracie," I said, referring to my four-year-old niece/love of my life who has recently started telling me to leave her alone because she just "doesn't need me to hug her right now."

There was a beat of silence as we sulked through Beacon Hill.

"Um, Em?" she said.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Gracie is kind of mean to you sometimes."

True story.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Babies and Brides Oh My!

I love babies.  I love ones that are related to me and ones that are not.  Sometimes I have to stop myself from smothering them with love, even if I've only known them for a few minutes.  I am a baby person who is so not ready for a baby.  And so I baby sit.  Well, I also baby sit because I am practically destitute at this time, but mostly because of the babies.  So last week, when the 11-month-old I was sitting wanted to sleep on my chest during his two-hour afternoon nap, I let him.  I let him lie there and drool his germy germs all over me.  And then I got strep throat.  And an ear infection.  All just in time for Liz's first day of wedding dress shopping and a slew of interviews that I only half remember since I was mainly focused on not passing out.

Despite being near death, dress shopping with Liz and her family was amazing.  I thought it would be hard for me.  I, after all, have been dreaming of a fairy princess wedding FOREVER and this was a friendly reminder that my day is still so far away.  But it wasn't hard and I honestly didn't think about myself at all.  I truly just looked at my best friend, watched her transform into Cinderella, and was so, so happy that there is a woman in my life who I can really say I love that much.

In terms of the job search, it is hard.  It is discouraging and nerve-wracking and often makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs.  But I have always believed that things happen the way they are supposed to happen.  I am doing what I can.  This is what the universe wants for me and when the right thing comes along, I will know, just as I have known so many times before.

Filling out the bride-to-be paperwork at Bella Sera Bridal!

Lauren and I got a little antsy towards the end of the day.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Peace out, BU.

I have started writing this post at least fifty times and now I think I just need to bang it out.  Bang it out like I have been banging out application after application after...application.

I am a MASTER now, but I often spend my days babysitting adorable kiddos or struggling through painful temp jobs.  I very much prefer the former.  In the evenings, I write cover letters that sound genius to me (and Amanda), but garner no response.  It's hard to stay motivated when my eyes are constantly glazed over, but then I look at my latest Chinese fortune that I've taped to my computer screen:  "Soon you will be sitting on top of the world."  Hell, yeah.

My time at BU was truly extraordinary.  Even though I don't have a job yet and am now approximately one trillion dollars in debt, I still know that I made the right decision.  It was far less about the degree and more about the experience I knew I needed to have.  That is so like me to spend $60k on an experience, but it was worth it, and I have a fancy diploma now too.

Transition times like this one always make me a bit anxious.  Just when I seem to get it together, everything flies up in the air again.

Liz is getting married next year and Amanda's first baby is due in September.  These are good things, but so different.  Sometimes I feel a need to catch up--try a little harder to find the perfect man so I can have a perfect house and perfect babies, and of course, the perfect PR job.  But then I remember that it's not a race and we will all get to where we're supposed to be at different times, in different ways.  In the mean time, I will cherish my moments as being the best maid of honor EVER and, of course, a very loving, doting, Tia Emily.

Here's to the job search and an amazing summer!